MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
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[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I drew y’all a little something.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10