Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’