My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’