New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
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If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
