Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

Important

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*