HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
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[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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