Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save