Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.