If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
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The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
The answer is funnier than the question
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute