Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

Most fashion shows these days…

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Hitlers gonna hitl

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]