Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

This is so me 😂😂

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably