this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Feel. He’s so soft.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
