Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.