Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
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Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I am a gravy boat captain
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.