Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.