Extremely relatable.
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Netflix and you sit over there.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…