Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

Given the amount of sweat it generates, self-checkout should absolutely count as cardio. And high-intensity if a line is growing behind you.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

that colleague who touches your screen

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

what do you want

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.