[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
You Might Also Like
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Taking phone security to the next level.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.