me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Reporter: *ports again*
We have a winner.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: