Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
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Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.