Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
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Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I’ve had relationships like this
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
