I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
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Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Never deleting this app.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking