Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

Beware of the dog..

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?