Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

My life in a nutshell

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Matthew was born for this.

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.