I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.