I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Planet of the Apps.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊