Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

I feel seen.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers