Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.