Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!