everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
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Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
😏😏😏
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*