Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

I love you…

…r dog.

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

what day is it?

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.