I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
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Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.