Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

😂😂

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry