Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”