My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
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Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.