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Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
when you order from DoorDastardly
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.