I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
You Might Also Like
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
much to think about
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”