can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
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What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.