Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.