inventing words: clothing
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Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
The three genders.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.