holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
What.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”