What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Meow?
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called