Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe