the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
You don’t even know
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
