if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?