Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

Most fashion shows these days…

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

This one’s “Alex”.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

My hips? Compulsive liars.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?