Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

When you’re here for the treats.