sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
You Might Also Like
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday