Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

A male goth is called a broth.

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.