EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
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*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
The prophecy is fulfilled
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.